Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Let's Get An Ice Cream!

My daughter Lauren (4) loves going to the doctor.  She always has.  She's the only kid I've ever seen that actually gets excited when she hears a trip to the dr is on the agenda.  This goes for both regular check-ups as well as visits when she's sick.  Strep throat culture?  Bring it on!  Check the ears for infection?  Pee in a cup?  Check and check.  I've actually seen her...sick as sick could be after vomiting all night...get excited about the prospect of heading to the Dr for a hydration check.   She enjoys being the patient and all the doting and attention that comes along with it.  There's a certain drama to it all...in fact I've seen her - on route to the dr's office - sitting in the back in her carseat with the back of her hand dramatically thrown over her forehead and she gazes out the window - Scarlett O'Hara style.  In fact, this year for Halloween she's even chosen to be a nurse....



  Clearly, her dramatic flair comes from Brian.  Anyone who knows Brian can attest to the fact that he's quite the drama king.  He wears his heart on his sleeve and has been known on many occasions to break into song - both singing and dancing - while in the middle of the grocery store.  He also enjoys tap dancing, playing dress up, watching old Judy Garland movies, and talking about feelings over chamomile tea.   I'm kidding, of course...well, except for the dress up thing.  (Brian, if you're reading this...do you know where my grey pencil skirt went??)

Anyway, Ben (3) on the other hand, hates going to the doctor.  So much so that I actually have to lie to get him to the dr. I have to tell him where going to buy sneakers or something.  I feel awful doing it, and I'm sure he's scarred for life because of it...but after the incident the other day, I've learned it's the only way...what incident?? you ask?  Here you have it...and welcome to crazytown...

 Last week both kids were coughing, sneezing, runny noses...and both were running a temp of around 100 degrees.  This obviously warranted a trip to the dr, who totally rocks and was nice enough to fit us in that same afternoon.  So I secretly told Lauren, and it went without saying we wouldn't mention it to Ben.  Of course just as we were about to leave the house, I totally slipped up and said something about going to the Dr's.  Course, once Ben caught wind of that, all hell broke loose.  He immediately took off his coat and sat in the middle of the living room floor and refused to go.  I tried telling him the dr. would only examine Lauren, but he wasn't buying it.  So I decided to take a hard line and told him he was going whether he liked it or not. That he was sick and the dr needed to check him to see if he needs medicine. He blatantly refused. We now had 10 minutes to get to the Dr - who luckily is right down the street from us - so I figured I had a little time to bribe him into going. Wasn't happening.  He laid in the middle of the floor and went limp like a protester about to be arrested.  I literally had to drag him out of the house kicking and screaming.  This was no easy task.  By the time I dragged him to the car and managed to shove him in the backseat, I was out of breath and just exacerbated.  We now had 2 minutes to get to the Dr's office.  Lauren was of course in her carseat buckled and waiting eagerly, watching the Ben fiasco unfold.   Once I had him in the car, he went limp on the floor and refused to get into his carseat.  At this point, he was in full meltdown mode and I physically couldn't force him into the carseat.  So I got in the car, started it and told him that if he wasn't in his carseat and buckled in (he can do it himself) by the time I start to drive, that the police were going to come and arrest him for not obeying the law.  Being sick and already upset, this threat just threw him into a tailspin, and he basically turned into a rabid animal backed into a corner. Lauren - who still doesn't quite get the fact these are just empty threats - started freaking out, crying, telling him "Hurry up Ben!!! So the police don't put you in jail!"  Which made him protest more, and Lauren get more upset.  2 hysterical kids, both sick, one on the floor - and we were late for the Dr.  All I could think was the Dr wouldn't take us when we got there because we missed the window of time and wouldn't be available.  Beyond frustrated and totally affected by the 2 kids screaming and crying, I can only imagine what my blood pressure was at that moment.  I made one last ditch attempt at screaming at Ben to get in his carseat...to no avail.  And then I finally did what any mom on the brink of crazy would do - I called my mother.  My mother should be recommended for sainthood, as she will answer her cell phone anytime I call in the event it's some type of emergency.  She'll even answer it when she's in a meeting with a room full of hospital executives.  So my poor mother answers her phone to hear Ben flipping out, Lauren crying hysterically, me screaming "I think I see the police coming!" to Ben in hopes of scaring him straight.  "OH MY GOD!!!  WHAT'S WRONG MELISSA???!!!!"  I can vaguely hear my mom saying over all the craziness.  I gave her the 5 second version of the goings on and once she realized we were ok - crazy as all hell, but ok - she told me to be careful driving and to text her when we get to the Dr so she knew we made it ok.  We hung up, and I hugged my steering wheel and started crying, totally defeated. What else could I do?  While I was there, I thought maybe a quick prayer would help this situation, so I silently asked God - "Please don't let me lose my shit".   In those exact words.  "Don't let me lose my shit".  Used to be I prayed for a good day, health, to hit the lottery, etc.  Now this is what it's come to. Sanity.  I pray for sanity and an abundance of wine.  Needless to say, Ben finally - albeit reluctantly - got into his carseat, and the Dr took us even though we were 20 min late.  $46 in co-pays later, and with only a shred of sanity left, turns out both kids were ok - just a cold and no antibiotics needed.  Oh, and from now on the code for "Dr's Visit" is now "Let's get an ice cream".  I can only imagine what Ben will be telling his therapist 20 yrs from now..   :)

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