Thursday, February 18, 2016

Dear Shopkin People, Eff You

Dear Shopkins Makers,

I'm equal parts impressed and disgusted with the spectacular stupidity of your absurd product coupled with the wild popularity it has gained in recent months.  I mean, let's call a spade a spade here.... It's fucking ridiculous that your plastic grocery items that do absolutely nothing but serve as something else for my kid to lose and cry about are selling like hotcakes.  Stores can't even keep these fuckers in stock.  I saw a brawl break out recently while Christmas shopping as 2 parents grabbed for the last "season 3" shopkin set Target had in stock.  WHAT DO THEY DO????  No, tell me....what's the fucking point??  Are you lacing these things with powdered crack whereby our children are becoming addicted to these small heads of lettuce or green apples that do nothing as they hold them close to their little faces????  I can't keep my kids interested in an amusement park that long....yet somehow they sit for hours obsessed with a half an inch of plastic nothingness?????   An avacado with a dumb ass look on it's little plastic face?   And when they're not playing with the little figures, they're watching the Shopkins on YouTube!  Little hands moving the Shopkins around while a voice in the background takes on a Shopkin persona. And there are seasons????  Oh, remember back in Season 1 when Corn got jacked up on Hennessey and made some bad decisions?  What the fuck is wrong with everyone?????  And us parents....spending a a hundred bucks on a set of these things....C'MON, how much do they cost for you to make?  .08 cents?   That's like a 2 million percent mark up.   Kudos, Shopkin people....I applaud your success on this absurdity.  This is the dumbest shit since the Pet Rock.  Touché.  One day we'll wake up from our collective Shopkin obsession and feel stupid for having punched a fellow parent in the head on Christmas Eve while shopping for the Mystery Shopkin set from Season 3.
What's next in this foolish plastic franchise??  I see you've moved on to office supplies and clothing accessories.  Oh I know, how about an "Adult" line of Shopkins?  Sex toy handcuffs and dildos, some KY?  Condom Shopkins?  Little plastic pregnancy tests?  Booby tassles?
And to add insult to injury, my dog is currently chewing on a shopkin kumquat as I write this.  Great, I have to buy more so my kid's aren't ostracized from the school playground for not have season 69.  Eff you, Shopkin's people....and you're little produce, too.

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