Monday, May 20, 2013

The Mom-lympics

If climbing over baby gates was an Olympic sport, I'm pretty sure I'd have a gold medal. I can clear a baby gate...on a step, with a full laundry basket in my arms (which also, incidentally, contains a sleeping cat I felt too bad to wake)...while talking on the phone to my mother.  In the dark.  During an earthquake.  Ok, that last part was for dramatic effect, but you catch my drift.   Needless to say, there are baby gates all over my house - one separating the dog from the playroom so she doesn't eat Lauren's Barbie Collection.  Another at the bottom of the stairs so that the dog and the kids don't chase each other up and down the stairs all day...because you know, the 3 of them have to live dangerously.  Another in the hallway where the dog drinks her water...because after she drinks water, she drools so incredibly badly, that if we don't either wipe her mouth immediately or contain her somewhere....she will soak the floor and we will actually slip on mastiff drool.  I'm not kidding...this is what goes on in my house.  One of the hazards is "Mastiff Drool".  And it's slippery.  That dog drinks some water and shakes her've got "slingers" in places you'd never expect.  Ah, the nuances of having a large dog. I love her to pieces, though.  She's my 3rd baby...drool and all.

Anyway, last night when I was up at my usual 3am feeding the cats, I got to thinking about the amount of hours I've spent in say the last 3 years climbing over baby gates.  Does that count as exercise?  It totally should. The daily Mom stuff in and of itself should be a gym circuit...offered at places like Planet Fitness.  Then I thought how great it would be to have a Mom-A-Thon, or the Mom-lympics.  Sort of like a Triathalon or Iron Man type of event....but for moms...involving all the "mom activites" we partake in on a daily basis.  I'm just spitballin' here....but here's a rough idea of the events that would be included....

EVENT 1:  Physical Portion:  Gate Hurdling....Mom's have to hurdle gates in a number of scenarios...carrying groceries or with a screaming toddler on their hip.  There would also be points awarded for getting over the gate without a foot touching it. Disqualification if you get your foot stuck in the gate and fall into it face first.

EVENT 2:  Cooking Portion:  PB & J Making:   Mom's would have 15 minutes to make as many peanut butter& jelly sandwiches as possible - taking special care that there are equal amounts of both ingredients and of course cutting the crusts off ever so carefully.  Winners would be decided by a group of actual hungry toddlers doing taste testing.  For example, my Benjamin (3) would reject any PB&J that had too much jelly.  It's a delicate balance.  Just a touch too much jelly and that sandwich would get tossed aside. 

EVENT 3:  Multitasking Portion:  Mom's have to plan a family menu for the week then write a grocery list to coincide...while at the same time texting with another mom trying to plan a playdate, while your kids talk at you the entire time.  This is when I kind of go into a robot mode and use a lot of "Mmm Hmmms"  with the kids...trying to engage with them while doing 47 other things.  This is usually when they ask if they can have a ferret, to which I absentmindedly answer "Mmmm Hmmm"...and then we have another issue on our hands.   Flash scene to 2 hours later - driving home from the grocery store with the kids in the back screaming "But you SAID, Mommy!  YOU SAID WE COULD GET A FERRET!!!!"  Extra points awarded to the mom who can make their kids forget about getting a caged animal.

EVENT 4:  Talent Portion:  Mom's sing Karyoke to the Dora The Explorer Theme Song.

EVENT 5:  Sanity Portion:  Grocery Shopping with tired, grumpy kids who are overdue for a nap - Mom's need to get all items on the shopping list in a set amount of time without taking a Xanex before leaving the house.  Extra points awarded to moms who don't have a nervous breakdown at the checkout. 

The prize awarded at the end to one lucky mom would be like a spa pedicure, lunch on the beach, and bunch of those baby gates that have the opening door...where you can step on the bottom and it magically swings open.  But then, what would I do for exercise if not climbing over the gates 342 times a day??

1 comment:

  1. OMG!! Brilliance!!!!
    I would SO come watch and cheer for an event like this!!!