I'm on a journey and I'm not quite sure where I'm going. I mean, I suppose we all are all the time...but lately I'm feeling like I'm at one of those life crossroads and I'm kind of in the middle of a road where there's 20 different directions I could go in and I really have no clue which path to even start down. I'm a little lost and my map isn't making sense (although it could be the smear of peanut butter & jelly covering the North, South, East, West key). These last few years of my life have been completely defined by my role as a mother. And I'll always be a full time mommy to my babies, regardless of how old they are, and I'll be there for them whenever they need me no matter what. But now dynamics are changing and Lauren is getting ready to head of to full day kindergarten and Ben will be starting preschool in the fall...so the role isn't so clearly defined anymore, and I'm kind of left wondering what I should be doing. Although, in the last 8 minutes while I've been writing this blog, I've filled up a plastic shark water gun, put a fake shark tattoo on Ben, Wiped off the fake shark tattoo after a meltdown, and reapplied a new fake shark tattoo once he decided he could handle all the responsibility that comes with sporting "ink". (If you're wondering what's up with all the shark paraphernalia, you can rest assured this has nothing to do with my obsession with the movie "Sharknado"....but instead these are goodies Lauren got in her goodie bag from an "under the sea" birthday party she went to Saturday..)
Anyway, so here I am, trying to figure it all out. And for the first time in a while, the focus is on me...which is funny and a bit reminiscent of my life before kids. Only thing is..now, everything I do and each decision I make, impacts all of us. If I decide to go back to work - even on a part time basis....tons of questions linger - who will drop off/pick up the kids from school, and take them to Dr's appointments, and what about "sick days" (and they never get sick at the exact same time - as soon as one gets over something, the other comes down with it), and school vacations, and half days, and after school activities? Having been home with them since they were born, all of these things are totally new for me and honestly I wonder how it would work going from mom being there all the time, to suddenly someone else being there to drive them around and nurture them when their sick. At this stage of the game, I don't want to consider what that would be like. It sends a wave of sadness over me to think it wouldn't be me after all this time.
****DISCLAIMER: In NO way, shape or form am I making ANY comparison whatsoever to stay-at-home moms versus working moms, or suggesting one is right or wrong or ANYTHING in between. This is simply my personal story and random pontifications on the big questions like - what the heck I should do? what's best for my family? what's it all about? Who hacked my Netflix account? Who thought Sharknado was a good idea? Why are we still entertaining all things Kardashian & Seacrest? And are those people with the phone number 867-5309 still getting calls after all these years?******
Of course, the other side of the coin is that once the kids are both in school - it makes sense for me to find something that both fulfills me while bringing in the extra money, too. At this stage in my life (29 years old) - I feel it's important to not only get a "job", but find something that also means something to me that I am passionate about. ( If animal rescue was a "career", all my problems would be solved ;) So my focus turns to something more spiritual. Although I've been doing yoga for years, I'm finding it especially important now. I've also started meditating. In cemeteries. Ok, I said it - I meditate in cemeteries. Truth be told, I've always loved cemeteries. And between carting the kids around between their activities, when I have a few minutes to myself, it's the one place I can always go and feel at peace and sort of block out the world for a few minutes. I'm new to the whole meditation thing, and although it's the simplest of notions - quieting the mind and focusing on only the breathing - it's proven to be more difficult than I thought. If I can make it 3 minutes without my mind wandering to what to make for dinner or singing a random song in my head ....then I consider it a success. Anywho - yoga/meditation - all things spiritual and crunchy - have become more of a focus and a passion for me during this time when there are a million questions to be answered and no manual on what the right answers are. That's when I realized that the very things that are helping guide me on this journey may be the answer to some of my questions. I need to be a yoga teacher! Yes, I shall hug trees and teach yoga...kidding about the hugging of the trees, of course - there are far to many insects on a tree trunk to really get intimate with it. Teaching yoga will also allow me a more flexible schedule with non traditional hours so that I'll still be able to drive the kids to and from school and apply fake tattoos as needed :)
I've looked into the200 hour Yoga Teacher Training and it looks like I can start that in September - it's one full weekend a month (Friday night, all day Saturday & all day Sunday) through June, which really works out pretty well considering Ben will only be in preschool 3 days a week - 3 hours per day - so it will be nice to have that one on one time with him while still being able to complete the training. And there you have it. I'm not saying this answers all the great questions in the world of me...but it's a good plan, and at least a step in the direction of one of those paths in the crossroads. I'm hoping there's a wine stand on this path, because I'm already getting thirsty.
HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY!!