Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Grocery Store Etiquette 101

Ever run into someone you know at the grocery store?  Be it a friend, neighbor, coworker, someone from church, school, or the hot guy you always see running through your neighborhood?  Maybe it's someone you met at kid's story time at the library or a friend you haven't seen in a few years and lost touch with?  No matter who it is -there are exactly 2 options you have once you've spotted an acquaintance at the grocery store.

 1)  Look away quickly before they see you and duck behind a display of Entenmann's pastry pretending to be really absorbed in the nutrition label of the blueberry streusel cake in the event you get caught. 

2) Quickly check the contents of your cart, covering up anything "embarrassing" then approach them with the "happy homemaker" smile. 

Sometimes you don't have the choice in the case that your the "approachee".  Like the other person has already taken stock of what's in their cart and deemed it acceptable, meanwhile you don't have that luxury and are taken totally off guard. Once approached, you just need to make the best of the situation and just "own" what's in your cart.  Like, if you run into another mom and she's toting around her Hummus, Kale and organic grapes - and you're PMS-ing and have a cart full of Cheetos, Ice Cream Sandwiches and a super multipack of tampons- there's not much you can do.  Don't even try to explain it. Let the cart speak for itself.  Chances are she's been there and can sympathize and knows better than to engage you in more than a 2 minute conversation since she understands you need to rip that bag of Cheetos open before you lose your shit and get teary about the fact that your pants didn't button that morning due to the bloating which is why your wearing your Bella Band to secure your pants even though you thought you'd never use it again after your last pregnancy.

Luckily, if it's a guy you happen to run into, he's probably not going to notice what's in your cart because he's too busy trying to cover up the Preparation H he's got in his cart.

Over the weekend I was caught red handed with six (6) containers of Miralax in my basket.  Not even a cart - I had one of those small hand baskets - so there was no concealing it's contents.  For those of you who aren't familiar with Miralax - think "Ex-Lax".  My poor little Benjamin suffers from constant constipation and is on a daily dose of Miralax.  I'm sure one day Ben will be thrilled that I blogged about his bathroom issues. My little Benjamin Bunny's bowel issues are of great concern, though and when he's regular, everyone is happy :)   So as you can imagine, when there's a sale on Miralax (this stuff is pricey!!) and I have a coupon for $2 off a 14 day dose - I'm pretty darn excited.  I mean, this is what my life has come to.  So off I head to the store to stock up on the magic Miralax when I run into an acquaintance I haven't seen in years.  I was actually standing in front of her in the 12 items or less checkout and we exchanged pleasantries.  It was awkward when I put my 6 Miralax on the belt and nothing else.  There was just nothing I could say.  No matter what it was awkward.  I knew if I addressed it, I would over-explain and it would just turn into one of those things where I get myself in deep and wished someone would shove a sock in my mouth.. "Oh, these?  These are for my son.  Yeah, my son - I swear.  I mean, we give him fiber - lots of fiber, but still - nothing!  The Dr suggests prune juice, but can you imagine trying to get a 3 year old to drink that stuff?  Have you ever had that?  Not saying you would NEED that...I mean, obviously you don't - well I mean, maybe you do but I'm sure you don't.  No judgement either way. Some people drink prune juice for the taste, I guess.  Some people enjoy it.  Supposed to be good for digestion.  An acquired taste, I think.  Not that I've ever tried it.  Have you? Sorry, you don't have to answer that - not trying to pry.  I mean, that's personal.  Anyway, apparently this is a common issue with 3 year olds..."   Yeah, so I just kept my mouth shut.  As I stood in line waiting for the nice cashier to scan my goodies (and accompanying coupons) I had the song "You say it best.....when you say nothing at all..." in my head.  And ya know, as I doubled bagged my purchases I realized that I've reached a place in my life where I really don't care what that woman thought!  Yes, a newfound freedom of sorts.  However, I must admit that if it were the hot mailman who delivers our mail when the regular one is on vacation that I'd run into....I probably would've ditched that basket of Miralax behind the Campbell's soup display and studied the label on a Classic Tomato soup until I was in the clear.  Although with my luck, some alert store employee would probably announce over the loud speaker that the woman at the Campbell's Soup display had left her basket of "digestion aids" back in the aisle. Own it, people....just own it.

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