Last Saturday I had hit my wall. Hit my parental wall. Brian had been away on a trip for work that week, so I'd been with the kids 24/7 for several days. I was tired, achy, and needed a minute - JUST ONE - where someone (aka the "little people" - no, not the midgets) would just stop talking at me, asking questions, fighting, needing something. I felt like a mom servant. (As an educational FYI - the word "Mom" in Swahili directly translates to "Hurry up and bring me my legos, bitch") Every moment of every day revolves around the kids. Oh, don't get me wrong - I love those babies more than anything in this world. I love being a mom, and I would literally do anything for those 2. I miss them when I'm not with them for even an hour, and can't imagine my life without them. HOWEVER - at some point, we all just need a break. A BIG HUGE break. One can only serve to a certain point with a big smile and tons of patience before we reach a point of general insanity.
The day had started at 7am with the kids jumping in bed with me, serving me a dish of play-doh meatballs. I had to pretend to eat them with joyful vigor, when all I wanted to do was pull the covers over my head and go back to sleep for 3 days. The general jabbering, talking, singing, questions and requests started in as soon as my feet hit the floor. As I brushed my teeth, they sat on the edge of the tub watching me...wanting to know why my toothpaste was a different color than theirs. I shrugged, as I couldn't speak while brushing my teeth (an awful mother I am - taking time to myself like that!) Ben wasn't satisfied with the shrug, and proceeded to ask me to same question approximately 46 more times until I was done and could finally answer him...."Because it is, honey. That's why." Lauren then made a request for a new toothbrush - a pink Dora toothbrush with BOTH Dora AND Boots on it. Yes, noted. Let me stop the presses and run out and grab that for you at a 24 hour Walgreens, sweetheart.
Once downstairs, as I made their breakfasts, they wanted to know what our plan was for the day. The dog barked at me reminding me that her food bowl wasn't going to fill itself. Lauren suggested we head to the library, while Ben decided he'd rather go to the park. Then they started fighting over which one we were going to do. Um....hello?? Kids? Mommy's on the verge of insanity, and as far as I know, insane people aren't allowed at the park or library!
By 10am, I was just done. Every 1.3 nanoseconds it was..."Mama, I need more tiny cookies.. Mommy...Lauren colored on my art project....Where's my glitter dress Barbie? This play-doh is yukky, mama....I have a boo boo on my toe, I need a band-aid. I need a snack. I wanna play outside...Can we Skype Grandma? I miss auntie Sarah...Can we go on a plane, mama? Can we watch Nemo? Mama, put on Nemo! I'm thirsty. Can you get me a new straw? Ben pushed me. Can we make cookies today? Brynn just ate my goldfish, Mommy!" Is it bad that I didn't bother asking if it was the goldfish crackers or the actual fish in Lauren's room?
Every time my butt hit a comfy chair, there was another request, problem, question. I told them mommy's throat hurt so I couldn't talk for a little while. Which only sparked another round of questions and efforts to "take care of mommy" by feeling my head for a fever and singing me songs to help me get better. I then took to Facebook to post a status about my day...I always enjoy the "likes" and comments. A general sense of camaraderie that makes me feel like we've all been there. I posted something like "Mommy needs a break"...when what I really wanted to say is.."Mommy needs a stiff drink, a bottle of Xanax, and a padded cell.." But you never know how these things will be received.
Brian arrived home at lunchtime to find us playing in the backyard. Me teary eyed behind my sunglasses.. feeling sorry for myself. I'd become quite philosophical by that point. Remembering the carefree days before kids - being able to sit in total quiet and actually hear myself think. Reading a book. A whole entire book - in less than a month and more than 2 sentences at a time. Going to the gym regularly. When I could get up and do errands and not have to run the day's plans by 2 opinionated preschoolers. When I had time for myself and could sleep soundly without always half listening for the kids in case they need me. Occasionally spend money on a total splurge and not have to worry about saving that money in case the kids need something. Always thinking for 3 people instead of just 1. Brian took one look at me and knew I needed some time out of the house. I went to Panera and ate a turkey artichoke panini and read US Magazine. I felt better after drawing devil horns on pics of the Kardashian family. I then went and sat at Barnes & Noble. That's one of my favorite things to do with any free time. I love the smell of coffee and books, and the QUIET. I find a book and sit in a comfy chair and read. Yes, it was exactly what I needed. I came home sane. Well, more sane that I had been. Batteries had been recharged so to speak, and when the kids asked me if I wanted some play-doh meatballs, I smiled and said yes...instead of totally losing my shit :)
Balancing babies, checkbooks & sanity.
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
Thursday, September 12, 2013
Baked Goods, Underwear & Faith
Nothing says "I have control of this mom gig" like having your underwear exposed to the patrons of your local bakery by your deviant 3 year old son. I had a sundress on, and my little Benjamin with me. I had just picked up a few things and we were standing in line...so I had my hands full. I was vulnerable, and Ben, able to sniff out vulnerability like a wild, rabid wolf under a full moon... just went for it. He had been holding on to the bottom of my dress...looking sweet and innocent...flashing (no pun intended) smiles at the other customers in line. When suddenly he just pulled my dress up. In the following 4 seconds, my thought process went something like this...Oh My God! How many people can see my underwear? Do I have underwear on? Yes, thank you GOD! What do I do now? Maybe people won't notice. No, everyone is looking. God, please make Ben let go of my dress and I'll totally give all my baked goods to a stranger in need on the way home. Why don't these bargains with God ever work? My undies are still in plain sight. This is karmic payback for that time I absentmindedly told the kids they could get a ferret and then\ didn't follow through. Maybe I should just get them a ferret? No, Brian will kill me, plus their cages stink. Just one more living being in the house for me to care for. They are cute, though. Don't even know where to get a ferret. Maybe a hamster? Cute but stinky. A fish. Yes, totally a fish. Less maintenance and easily replaced for when his little tank gets tipped over. Why is Ben laughing an evil laugh? Must never come to this bakery again.
I then made the decision drop several baked goods and promptly pull my dress down. Instead of making a big deal by yelling at Ben, I smiled a closed lipped, submissive smile to the other customers and gave them the "mom eye roll." As if to say..."Oh these kids! Crazy little rascals....what WILL they think of next?"!! As we waited in line, I thought about ways I could get back at Ben when he's a teenager. Maybe this is why parents do all sorts of embarrassing things to their kids when they get older. I pictured myself standing on the sidelines of his high school soccer championship game with a house coat on and my hair in big rollers, screaming "Go Bunny!" (his infant nickname). Then yelling at the coach who made a bad call against my Bunny. Calling the parents of kids on the other team when I don't like their attitude. Ben riding in the backseat of my 1960 wood paneled station wagon while we pull out of the parking lot of the big game while I listen to Wayne Newton on full volume with the windows down. As they say....revenge is a dish best served cold...and in a house coat.
Meanwhile, on a more wholesome note...Brian & I took the kids to church last Sunday for the first time in a long time. In addition to me wanting to get back to church, I really want to give my children a basis of having a faith as my parents did for me. For obvious reasons, we've been reluctant to bring a 3 & 4 year old to church for a 1 hour mass. But they did fantastic! They sat quietly and seemed to really enjoy the music. I couldn't have asked for anything more. Of course, on the way home there were lots of questions...like "Mommy, how old is God? Is God in Kindergarten? What's God's last name?" Hmmmm. How do I answer these questions? I briefly contemplated something like "Sweetie, would you like to get some ice cream?" But instead I opted for a more honest approach...and explained that these would be great questions to ask Grandma & Grandpa when they go up for their next sleepover! :) It did get me thinking about how as the kids get older, the more hard questions about life they're going to ask, and I need to be prepared to answer the questions we all wonder about...like - What's it all about? Is there a Heaven? Why do bad things happen to good people? How is it that Ryan Seacrest keeps showing up on my tv and radio, and is he really a permanent fixture on New Years Rockin' Eve?
Yes, must be prepared for these toughies. This Ryan Seacrest Entertainment Empire is only getting bigger and is sure to test the faith of many.
In the meantime, I've learned a big lesson this week...which is not to wear a sundress to church if I'm bringing Ben.
I then made the decision drop several baked goods and promptly pull my dress down. Instead of making a big deal by yelling at Ben, I smiled a closed lipped, submissive smile to the other customers and gave them the "mom eye roll." As if to say..."Oh these kids! Crazy little rascals....what WILL they think of next?"!! As we waited in line, I thought about ways I could get back at Ben when he's a teenager. Maybe this is why parents do all sorts of embarrassing things to their kids when they get older. I pictured myself standing on the sidelines of his high school soccer championship game with a house coat on and my hair in big rollers, screaming "Go Bunny!" (his infant nickname). Then yelling at the coach who made a bad call against my Bunny. Calling the parents of kids on the other team when I don't like their attitude. Ben riding in the backseat of my 1960 wood paneled station wagon while we pull out of the parking lot of the big game while I listen to Wayne Newton on full volume with the windows down. As they say....revenge is a dish best served cold...and in a house coat.
Meanwhile, on a more wholesome note...Brian & I took the kids to church last Sunday for the first time in a long time. In addition to me wanting to get back to church, I really want to give my children a basis of having a faith as my parents did for me. For obvious reasons, we've been reluctant to bring a 3 & 4 year old to church for a 1 hour mass. But they did fantastic! They sat quietly and seemed to really enjoy the music. I couldn't have asked for anything more. Of course, on the way home there were lots of questions...like "Mommy, how old is God? Is God in Kindergarten? What's God's last name?" Hmmmm. How do I answer these questions? I briefly contemplated something like "Sweetie, would you like to get some ice cream?" But instead I opted for a more honest approach...and explained that these would be great questions to ask Grandma & Grandpa when they go up for their next sleepover! :) It did get me thinking about how as the kids get older, the more hard questions about life they're going to ask, and I need to be prepared to answer the questions we all wonder about...like - What's it all about? Is there a Heaven? Why do bad things happen to good people? How is it that Ryan Seacrest keeps showing up on my tv and radio, and is he really a permanent fixture on New Years Rockin' Eve?
Yes, must be prepared for these toughies. This Ryan Seacrest Entertainment Empire is only getting bigger and is sure to test the faith of many.
In the meantime, I've learned a big lesson this week...which is not to wear a sundress to church if I'm bringing Ben.
Saturday, August 31, 2013
End Of Summer Wrap Up
It's been a full couple of weeks...we're getting ready to send Lauren off to Preschool, we've made numerous trips to our favorite beach to squeeze in every last bit of summer fun we possibly can, I celebrated my 29th birthday again, we have 2 more creepy ass library rental puppets - who may or may not be possessed - (despite my desperate attempts to kabosh said puppet rentals), and I've started watching Dark Shadows on Netflix - the creepy old prime time soap opera from the 60's. I LOVE it...it's right up my ally!
So most exciting of all - my little girl is starting preschool, which means that back to school clothes shopping is in full swing. She's like a little preteen already...at 4! She picks out clothes, then we head into the dressing room where she tries things on - mixes and matches - twirls around to see what kind of lift she gets with the little frills at the bottom of a dress, and then of course...tries on her tiara to make sure everything comes together. She literally has 7 tiaras she wears daily on a color coordinated rotating basis. We have to bring several tiaras clothes shopping with us so she can get a feel for the outfit. We were at Target the other day trying on clothes - mind you - we have 15 articles of clothing and could only bring 6 into the dressing room - and of course we have Benjamin (3) with us. Ben doesn't quite understand this whole clothes shopping thing, and assumes he should be trying things on too...so needless to say it's a big fiasco in the dressing room. Tiaras are flying, dresses being tried on and yanked off... Lauren twirling around with her little tween attitude, Ben yelling, "Mama are these boy clothes?" as he tries to get hot pink pants on over his shorts. Ben then gets bored and starts to climb underneath the dressing room door - the pink pants stuck half on one leg - while Lauren declares "I want them all, Mama!" Yes, a happy chaos :)
Meanwhile, the babies are abuzz about Lauren's new adventures into preschool. Ben is quite excited for her, but I think they're going to really miss each other. I had dropped Ben off one day at Brian's mom's house while I took Lauren out shopping...and as soon as we pulled out of the driveway, Lauren said she already missed Ben and asked if we could call him on the phone. It's so precious. However, they also have little petty ridiculous fights now, too. For example, Ben just came in to inform me that Lauren "won't stop looking at him." I go in the kitchen to find Lauren with a little evil smile on her face and ask her what's going on. She shrugs her shoulders as if to say "I have no idea"...then stares at Ben while he gets worked up into a frenzy. Now every few minutes I have to yell into the kitchen "Lauren, stop looking at your brother.." Now I feel really bad about what my sister & I probably put my mother through :)
On the birthday front, I turned 29 on Tuesday. Yep. I was 29 last year. I'll be 29 next year. Just ask the babies - they'll tell you. It was a wonderful birthday - in fact one of my best "29's" yet! Lasagna, cake, pedicures and new flip flops.. and after the kids went to bed, Magic Mike with the volume muted. Life is good :)
Finally, I'm totally obsessed with the old Dark Shadows soap opera from the 60's. I found it on Netflix and can't get enough of it. I'm a huge fan of anything scary, creepy, Halloween-ie, vampire, who-dun-it, murder mystery, etc. Halloween is in fact, my favorite day of the year and I just love the month of October and all the scary movies, fall weather & house decorating that goes along with it. So I guess it should come as no surprise that when I was little, my very first imaginary friend was Count Dracula. Yes, he would pick me up in his Dracula mobile and we'd go out to dinner, which was actually a tea party in my room with various stuffed animals and cabbage patch kids. In my little imagination, he was quite nice - just a misunderstood vampire with a really cool cape. A big lug who enjoyed tea parties and listening to my storytime read along records with me. My imaginary friend was the Prince of Darkness...what all of this says about me, I don't quite know...but I'm sure Freud would have a field day with that one.
...And on that note, Happy End Of Summer :) Hope you all had a fun, relaxing summer filled with lots of family, laughter & of course wine! Happy School days to all those sending their little ones off to school in Sept. Let the fall festivities begin...and of course don't forget your color coordinated tiara!
So most exciting of all - my little girl is starting preschool, which means that back to school clothes shopping is in full swing. She's like a little preteen already...at 4! She picks out clothes, then we head into the dressing room where she tries things on - mixes and matches - twirls around to see what kind of lift she gets with the little frills at the bottom of a dress, and then of course...tries on her tiara to make sure everything comes together. She literally has 7 tiaras she wears daily on a color coordinated rotating basis. We have to bring several tiaras clothes shopping with us so she can get a feel for the outfit. We were at Target the other day trying on clothes - mind you - we have 15 articles of clothing and could only bring 6 into the dressing room - and of course we have Benjamin (3) with us. Ben doesn't quite understand this whole clothes shopping thing, and assumes he should be trying things on too...so needless to say it's a big fiasco in the dressing room. Tiaras are flying, dresses being tried on and yanked off... Lauren twirling around with her little tween attitude, Ben yelling, "Mama are these boy clothes?" as he tries to get hot pink pants on over his shorts. Ben then gets bored and starts to climb underneath the dressing room door - the pink pants stuck half on one leg - while Lauren declares "I want them all, Mama!" Yes, a happy chaos :)
Meanwhile, the babies are abuzz about Lauren's new adventures into preschool. Ben is quite excited for her, but I think they're going to really miss each other. I had dropped Ben off one day at Brian's mom's house while I took Lauren out shopping...and as soon as we pulled out of the driveway, Lauren said she already missed Ben and asked if we could call him on the phone. It's so precious. However, they also have little petty ridiculous fights now, too. For example, Ben just came in to inform me that Lauren "won't stop looking at him." I go in the kitchen to find Lauren with a little evil smile on her face and ask her what's going on. She shrugs her shoulders as if to say "I have no idea"...then stares at Ben while he gets worked up into a frenzy. Now every few minutes I have to yell into the kitchen "Lauren, stop looking at your brother.." Now I feel really bad about what my sister & I probably put my mother through :)
On the birthday front, I turned 29 on Tuesday. Yep. I was 29 last year. I'll be 29 next year. Just ask the babies - they'll tell you. It was a wonderful birthday - in fact one of my best "29's" yet! Lasagna, cake, pedicures and new flip flops.. and after the kids went to bed, Magic Mike with the volume muted. Life is good :)
Finally, I'm totally obsessed with the old Dark Shadows soap opera from the 60's. I found it on Netflix and can't get enough of it. I'm a huge fan of anything scary, creepy, Halloween-ie, vampire, who-dun-it, murder mystery, etc. Halloween is in fact, my favorite day of the year and I just love the month of October and all the scary movies, fall weather & house decorating that goes along with it. So I guess it should come as no surprise that when I was little, my very first imaginary friend was Count Dracula. Yes, he would pick me up in his Dracula mobile and we'd go out to dinner, which was actually a tea party in my room with various stuffed animals and cabbage patch kids. In my little imagination, he was quite nice - just a misunderstood vampire with a really cool cape. A big lug who enjoyed tea parties and listening to my storytime read along records with me. My imaginary friend was the Prince of Darkness...what all of this says about me, I don't quite know...but I'm sure Freud would have a field day with that one.
...And on that note, Happy End Of Summer :) Hope you all had a fun, relaxing summer filled with lots of family, laughter & of course wine! Happy School days to all those sending their little ones off to school in Sept. Let the fall festivities begin...and of course don't forget your color coordinated tiara!
Saturday, August 17, 2013
No Balls At The Library
My kids spent a weekend at Grandma & Grandpa's a few weeks ago, and my mom managed to dig up this gem from the 80's from her way back machine (aka the basement storage that also houses several yellow rotary phones). Without further adieu I give you this pink Garfield plastic lunch box...I'm not sure if it was mine or my sister's - but in any event, it's an antique.
And the best part about it has to be the stickers on the back...the roller skate is my favorite...
So of course the kids thought it was just awesome since they'd never seen anything like it before, and Ben decided to take it along home with him. They basically like anything that is at someone else's house that is not theirs. Which explains why he also wanted to take home all my mom's cat's toys. You know...the little stuffed mice and little plastic balls with bells in the center. So my mom, being the good sport that she is and giving her grandkiddies anything they want, packed up the cat toys into the Garfield lunchbox and sent 'em on home. Ben and his pink lunchbox full of cat toys have been inseparable ever since.
Flash scene to a few days later - We had decided to head to the library to return our lot of books for a new bunch, as well as 2 creepy ass, germ laden puppets that are available for "take out" at the library. That's right - there is a bin of hand puppets available for the kids to take home for 2 weeks at a time. Whose bright idea was that? Course these things have been through the wringer and God knows when the last time they'd been disinfected was. They have matted fur and loose eyes that look in several directions at once. And now my kids are obsessed with taking out new ones each time we go. So we were heading into the library, Ben clutching his pink 80's lunchbox in one hand, and a rubber spider-man bouncy ball in the other, and I realized there was no way I could allow Ben to take a super bouncy ball into a library. The lunchbox was harmless, but the ball could do some damage. As expected, he didn't take the news well when I told him we had to leave the ball in the car. As the meltdown in the library parking lot ensued, I realized I'd have to resort to absurd measures. So I gasped and pointed at the library entrance and said "Look at that sign!!" Both kids stopped dead in their tracks and craned their little necks to see. "What does it say mama?" Lauren asked. "It says "NO BALLS IN THE LIBRARY" I told them, a concerned look on my face. It was so absurd that I couldn't even keep a straight face. I had to hide my head in my hands for a second so I could laugh at myself. But it worked. Ben slowly handed me the spider-man ball...a look of awe on his little face. Both looked from the "sign" to one another. At the door they wanted to know which sign warned us about NO BALLS IN THE LIBRARY so I pointed to a random sign that said "no smoking". We get into the library, and Ben feels it's his duty to inform each person we come across that there are "NO BALLS IN THE LIBRARY!" I suppose it was my own fault, but now I had a 3 year old screaming at everyone in the library that balls were not allowed. Needless to say, we got some strange looks. Best I could do was usher them into the kids room toward the bin of puppets, in hopes he'd become distracted trying to figure out which creepy puppet he was going to take home this week. Luckily my plan worked, and we found ourselves at the check-out desk with a pig and a duck puppet. As we were waiting in line - a few people in front of us - Ben & Lauren were passing the lunchbox back and forth when it opened up and the cat toys spilled out all over the place. The little belled balls rolled every which way. Tiny stuffed mice spilled out onto the floor. Everyone looked on...obviously confused. Lauren, Ben & I chased the cat balls trying to round them up before anyone tripped. Ben screaming "No Balls, Mama! You take balls in the library, Mama!"
...and this is what it's come to. Chasing cat toys that fell out of my son's pink 80's Garfield lunchbox around the library while my kids scream "No Balls at the Library.." Serenity. Now.
Next on the agenda for me will be sneaking in the kids rooms tonite - "Mom Ninja" style - in an attempt to pry the creepy ass, germ laden puppets from their little baby grasps while they sleep, and make those things disappear back to the library before they notice their gone. That way we can hopefully avoid the automatic puppet exchange next time we go to the library. In fact, I think it's time to find a new library altogether...after the lunchbox/balls incident, I'm thinking it's time for a change.
And the best part about it has to be the stickers on the back...the roller skate is my favorite...
So of course the kids thought it was just awesome since they'd never seen anything like it before, and Ben decided to take it along home with him. They basically like anything that is at someone else's house that is not theirs. Which explains why he also wanted to take home all my mom's cat's toys. You know...the little stuffed mice and little plastic balls with bells in the center. So my mom, being the good sport that she is and giving her grandkiddies anything they want, packed up the cat toys into the Garfield lunchbox and sent 'em on home. Ben and his pink lunchbox full of cat toys have been inseparable ever since.
Flash scene to a few days later - We had decided to head to the library to return our lot of books for a new bunch, as well as 2 creepy ass, germ laden puppets that are available for "take out" at the library. That's right - there is a bin of hand puppets available for the kids to take home for 2 weeks at a time. Whose bright idea was that? Course these things have been through the wringer and God knows when the last time they'd been disinfected was. They have matted fur and loose eyes that look in several directions at once. And now my kids are obsessed with taking out new ones each time we go. So we were heading into the library, Ben clutching his pink 80's lunchbox in one hand, and a rubber spider-man bouncy ball in the other, and I realized there was no way I could allow Ben to take a super bouncy ball into a library. The lunchbox was harmless, but the ball could do some damage. As expected, he didn't take the news well when I told him we had to leave the ball in the car. As the meltdown in the library parking lot ensued, I realized I'd have to resort to absurd measures. So I gasped and pointed at the library entrance and said "Look at that sign!!" Both kids stopped dead in their tracks and craned their little necks to see. "What does it say mama?" Lauren asked. "It says "NO BALLS IN THE LIBRARY" I told them, a concerned look on my face. It was so absurd that I couldn't even keep a straight face. I had to hide my head in my hands for a second so I could laugh at myself. But it worked. Ben slowly handed me the spider-man ball...a look of awe on his little face. Both looked from the "sign" to one another. At the door they wanted to know which sign warned us about NO BALLS IN THE LIBRARY so I pointed to a random sign that said "no smoking". We get into the library, and Ben feels it's his duty to inform each person we come across that there are "NO BALLS IN THE LIBRARY!" I suppose it was my own fault, but now I had a 3 year old screaming at everyone in the library that balls were not allowed. Needless to say, we got some strange looks. Best I could do was usher them into the kids room toward the bin of puppets, in hopes he'd become distracted trying to figure out which creepy puppet he was going to take home this week. Luckily my plan worked, and we found ourselves at the check-out desk with a pig and a duck puppet. As we were waiting in line - a few people in front of us - Ben & Lauren were passing the lunchbox back and forth when it opened up and the cat toys spilled out all over the place. The little belled balls rolled every which way. Tiny stuffed mice spilled out onto the floor. Everyone looked on...obviously confused. Lauren, Ben & I chased the cat balls trying to round them up before anyone tripped. Ben screaming "No Balls, Mama! You take balls in the library, Mama!"
...and this is what it's come to. Chasing cat toys that fell out of my son's pink 80's Garfield lunchbox around the library while my kids scream "No Balls at the Library.." Serenity. Now.
Next on the agenda for me will be sneaking in the kids rooms tonite - "Mom Ninja" style - in an attempt to pry the creepy ass, germ laden puppets from their little baby grasps while they sleep, and make those things disappear back to the library before they notice their gone. That way we can hopefully avoid the automatic puppet exchange next time we go to the library. In fact, I think it's time to find a new library altogether...after the lunchbox/balls incident, I'm thinking it's time for a change.
Thursday, August 1, 2013
Well, I'm Speechless
All kids are born with certain hardwired behaviors that are just inherently present in their little baby brains. These things aren't learned behaviors...kids just know how to do the following... Destroy a clean room in a matter of seconds , Ask "Are We There Yet" 462 times on a car ride, and my favorite - EMBARRASS THE HELL OUT OUT OF THEIR PARENTS...
So the other day we had pulled in the driveway after a run to get mommy some coffee at Dunkin Donuts and our very nice mailman - "mailman Al" was just coming through to deliver our mail. Al is a pleasant,unassuming man in his early 60's - who delivers our mail at the exact same time every day. We see him and wave, make the usual small talk - you know..."It's a scorcher out there today - stay cool!"....that sort of thing. Anyway, the kids had just hopped out of the car when we saw Al, and both Lauren & Ben went running up to him screaming "Daddy!" WHAT?? I. WAS. MORTIFIED. !!!!! First of all - WHY? And secondly, how the hell do you recover from something like that? I did a quick scan of the neighbors houses to see if anyone was outside to witness this fiasco, then gave Al the best eye roll and "Oh those silly kids" look I could muster as I shook my head and laughed. Al, in attempt to save some face and escape the embarrassment, handed me one piece of mail and said, "that's all I got today!" To which I replied "Well, No Ga-news is Good Ga-news"... Yes, I quoted Gary Gnu from The Great Space Coaster. I don't know why....I guess I was just all thrown off from the awkwardness of the moment. But yep - I did it. I'm pretty sure Al had no idea what I was talking about, as he shot me a strange glance and chuckled nervously, then walked as fast as I'd ever seen him walk - bee lining out of our yard - AKA - The Land of Crazy. I don't how things deteriorated so quickly that morning, but that's all it takes - a 20 second exchange with the mailman is all it takes to earn the label of "the crazy house". When we got inside I asked the kids why they would do that and they just laughed. Evil little taunting laughs.
Just days later...and still reeling from the Mailman Al fiasco...I had the kids at the movies. It was one of those oppressively hot and humid days where the AC had been on full blast for days on end and I needed to give our electric bill a break, so I figured I'd take the kids to see a movie where it's nice & cool. We weren't the only ones with the same idea, as the movie theater was jam packed. At the end of the movie I took both kids into the bathroom for a potty break. At this age, I need to take them both in to the bathroom every time one of us has to go - at 3 & 4 they're obviously too young to wait outside the bathroom stall for mommy, so any kind of privacy is just off the table. So there we are in the big family sized bathroom stall - all the other stalls were occupied and there was a line out the door of people waiting to use the facilities. And it's my turn to "go". As usual, both kids are staring at me - they like to praise me - as I praise them - for using the potty - occasionally blurting out "Good Job, Mama! You go on the potty like a big girl!" I can hear people in line waiting chuckling a little. Ok. I mean, nothing too personal - right? Well then....and I apologize in advance for the TMI...but this story was a must tell....I pull a pad out of my purse..monthly feminine issues and all that fun - and both kids are looking on totally puzzled. OH GOD. I try to distract them by giving them my iPhone to play games with - and hopefully not snap a picture of me and mistakenly put it on Facebook - but no, they didn't want anything to do with the phone. The bewildered looks on their little faces watching the pad secured in place... I mean, what else could I do??? And then Ben looks at Lauren and screams -SCREAMS- "Mama wears a diaper!!" And Lauren's mouth opened wide as she realized that's what was going on here, and she screams, "Mama, you wear a DIAPER! Mama, you not potty trained! Mama you go pee pee in your diaper!" I'm not kidding you when I tell you there were at least 12 other people in the bathroom and another 10 in line. 22 people. At least. I tried to "Shhhh" the kids. I told them it wasn't a diaper. "Then what is it Mama?" I contemplated my explanation options and decided on "It's not for babies to know about". ???? I just wanted to get out of there at that point. All I can say is that when we came out of the bathroom stall, all eyes were on us. And as the kids washed their little hands they were abuzz about their new revelation. There was nothing I could possibly do but give the other women in that bathroom the little smile that said "I'm going home to start drinking"...
Needless to say, the kids are still talking about it - I hear them talking amongst themselves in the backseat of the car or when they're doing an art project. Like they're trying to figure out how and why mommy still wears a diaper. Maybe...if I'm really lucky - next time we see mailman Al, they'll mention it to him. Yep - wouldn't that just be great ga-news??
So the other day we had pulled in the driveway after a run to get mommy some coffee at Dunkin Donuts and our very nice mailman - "mailman Al" was just coming through to deliver our mail. Al is a pleasant,unassuming man in his early 60's - who delivers our mail at the exact same time every day. We see him and wave, make the usual small talk - you know..."It's a scorcher out there today - stay cool!"....that sort of thing. Anyway, the kids had just hopped out of the car when we saw Al, and both Lauren & Ben went running up to him screaming "Daddy!" WHAT?? I. WAS. MORTIFIED. !!!!! First of all - WHY? And secondly, how the hell do you recover from something like that? I did a quick scan of the neighbors houses to see if anyone was outside to witness this fiasco, then gave Al the best eye roll and "Oh those silly kids" look I could muster as I shook my head and laughed. Al, in attempt to save some face and escape the embarrassment, handed me one piece of mail and said, "that's all I got today!" To which I replied "Well, No Ga-news is Good Ga-news"... Yes, I quoted Gary Gnu from The Great Space Coaster. I don't know why....I guess I was just all thrown off from the awkwardness of the moment. But yep - I did it. I'm pretty sure Al had no idea what I was talking about, as he shot me a strange glance and chuckled nervously, then walked as fast as I'd ever seen him walk - bee lining out of our yard - AKA - The Land of Crazy. I don't how things deteriorated so quickly that morning, but that's all it takes - a 20 second exchange with the mailman is all it takes to earn the label of "the crazy house". When we got inside I asked the kids why they would do that and they just laughed. Evil little taunting laughs.
Just days later...and still reeling from the Mailman Al fiasco...I had the kids at the movies. It was one of those oppressively hot and humid days where the AC had been on full blast for days on end and I needed to give our electric bill a break, so I figured I'd take the kids to see a movie where it's nice & cool. We weren't the only ones with the same idea, as the movie theater was jam packed. At the end of the movie I took both kids into the bathroom for a potty break. At this age, I need to take them both in to the bathroom every time one of us has to go - at 3 & 4 they're obviously too young to wait outside the bathroom stall for mommy, so any kind of privacy is just off the table. So there we are in the big family sized bathroom stall - all the other stalls were occupied and there was a line out the door of people waiting to use the facilities. And it's my turn to "go". As usual, both kids are staring at me - they like to praise me - as I praise them - for using the potty - occasionally blurting out "Good Job, Mama! You go on the potty like a big girl!" I can hear people in line waiting chuckling a little. Ok. I mean, nothing too personal - right? Well then....and I apologize in advance for the TMI...but this story was a must tell....I pull a pad out of my purse..monthly feminine issues and all that fun - and both kids are looking on totally puzzled. OH GOD. I try to distract them by giving them my iPhone to play games with - and hopefully not snap a picture of me and mistakenly put it on Facebook - but no, they didn't want anything to do with the phone. The bewildered looks on their little faces watching the pad secured in place... I mean, what else could I do??? And then Ben looks at Lauren and screams -SCREAMS- "Mama wears a diaper!!" And Lauren's mouth opened wide as she realized that's what was going on here, and she screams, "Mama, you wear a DIAPER! Mama, you not potty trained! Mama you go pee pee in your diaper!" I'm not kidding you when I tell you there were at least 12 other people in the bathroom and another 10 in line. 22 people. At least. I tried to "Shhhh" the kids. I told them it wasn't a diaper. "Then what is it Mama?" I contemplated my explanation options and decided on "It's not for babies to know about". ???? I just wanted to get out of there at that point. All I can say is that when we came out of the bathroom stall, all eyes were on us. And as the kids washed their little hands they were abuzz about their new revelation. There was nothing I could possibly do but give the other women in that bathroom the little smile that said "I'm going home to start drinking"...
Needless to say, the kids are still talking about it - I hear them talking amongst themselves in the backseat of the car or when they're doing an art project. Like they're trying to figure out how and why mommy still wears a diaper. Maybe...if I'm really lucky - next time we see mailman Al, they'll mention it to him. Yep - wouldn't that just be great ga-news??
Saturday, July 20, 2013
I Didn't Get That Memo....
I've recently been making an effort to get back to the gym. After all, I've been paying for the membership. Since I've been back, I've decided to try a new approach. I mean...I've never really been a fan of running on the treadmill. It always kind of makes me feel like I'm a little rabbit chasing after a dangling carrot that I'll never catch. Not to mention watching the little timer clock tick away one second at a time...all the while, hoping you don't lose your balance and go flying off the back of the treadmill, prompting a member of the gym staff to rush to your side while other gym-goers gather around your machine snap pictures with their cell phones....then you have to spend the next half hour filling out an "incident report" in the gym office. No, I've decided I'm more of a "weight machine" girl. (Please note that the above scenario is strictly hypothetical and to the best of my knowledge has never happened to me).
So last week I was back at the gym, ready to conquer my new weight routine, when I realized that I had no clue how to use the machines that look very much like little torture contraptions. I mean sure, there are instructions with little illustrations of stick figures that are meant to be helpful, but honestly, I was still in the dark. You really don't want to be standing at a gym machine squinting to read to itsy bitsy directions while other gym-goers are impatiently waiting their turn. No, you want to "blend in"...get on the machine, do your "reps" (see....I've got the lingo down")....and get off. The key here is to look like you know exactly what your doing, as if to say..."ya, I got this..." otherwise, well we all know what will happen....some creepy, weirdo lurker just WAITING for just such an opportunity will pop out of nowhere to show you how to use the machine. You know the type - he's typically hanging around the weight machines never actually using one. He's always there ready with a helpful tip. Don't make eye contact or else he will assume you want to have children with him.
Using the machines at the gym is sort of like ordering beverages at Starbucks for the first time. At first it's intimidating...like everyone else knows what's going on but you. People at the gym are hopping on and off the machines without incident. People are Starbucks are ordering things like Venti Soy Caramel Macchiatos and Grande Skinny Vanilla Lattes...and you feel like there's no learning curve. Like everyone else got the memo and you didn't. How do they know how to use the rowing machine and what a Venti Macchiato is?? Have you ever tried going to Starbucks and ordering a medium coffee 2 and 2? You can almost hear the collective sighs of the barista and other customers. Their sighs communicating to one another..."we have a code 547 here - newbie at register 2 - no clue.." After a few eyerolls, they give you your ordinary coffee and you scamper off and head back to Dunkin' Donuts where there's a better feeling of acceptance & community. Where a small coffee is a small coffee. Don't get me wrong, I've come to understand & love Starbucks. In fact I'm currently having a love affair with their new Very Berry Hibiscus Refresher...and it's been fabulous. A summer to remember....my Trenta Very Berry Hibiscus and I skipping hand in hand through flowery fields. Yep - it's costing me a small fortune, but that's what second mortgages are for, right?
So ya, new gym routine, here I come. And I've found the best way to figure out the machines is to pick one you want to use, then watch a few people use it. It's by far the easiest and best way. That way I at least know the basics of where my head goes and where my feet go. What I do is get on a treadmill closest to the weight machine area - so I don't look like a stalker freak just staring at people on the machines - and observe. Typically, I tend to always get next to "The Overacheiver" on the treadmill next to me. You know the type -a quick glance at her display panel will show that she's running 8 miles per hour and she's already on mile 6. You get on the machine next to her for 30 minutes and when you get off shaky legged and sweating profusely, she's still on her treadmill - on mile 12 - and has barely broken a sweat. Oh....why can't there just be a gym IN Starbucks??? Me & my Trenta Very Berry could figure it all out together :)
So last week I was back at the gym, ready to conquer my new weight routine, when I realized that I had no clue how to use the machines that look very much like little torture contraptions. I mean sure, there are instructions with little illustrations of stick figures that are meant to be helpful, but honestly, I was still in the dark. You really don't want to be standing at a gym machine squinting to read to itsy bitsy directions while other gym-goers are impatiently waiting their turn. No, you want to "blend in"...get on the machine, do your "reps" (see....I've got the lingo down")....and get off. The key here is to look like you know exactly what your doing, as if to say..."ya, I got this..." otherwise, well we all know what will happen....some creepy, weirdo lurker just WAITING for just such an opportunity will pop out of nowhere to show you how to use the machine. You know the type - he's typically hanging around the weight machines never actually using one. He's always there ready with a helpful tip. Don't make eye contact or else he will assume you want to have children with him.
Using the machines at the gym is sort of like ordering beverages at Starbucks for the first time. At first it's intimidating...like everyone else knows what's going on but you. People at the gym are hopping on and off the machines without incident. People are Starbucks are ordering things like Venti Soy Caramel Macchiatos and Grande Skinny Vanilla Lattes...and you feel like there's no learning curve. Like everyone else got the memo and you didn't. How do they know how to use the rowing machine and what a Venti Macchiato is?? Have you ever tried going to Starbucks and ordering a medium coffee 2 and 2? You can almost hear the collective sighs of the barista and other customers. Their sighs communicating to one another..."we have a code 547 here - newbie at register 2 - no clue.." After a few eyerolls, they give you your ordinary coffee and you scamper off and head back to Dunkin' Donuts where there's a better feeling of acceptance & community. Where a small coffee is a small coffee. Don't get me wrong, I've come to understand & love Starbucks. In fact I'm currently having a love affair with their new Very Berry Hibiscus Refresher...and it's been fabulous. A summer to remember....my Trenta Very Berry Hibiscus and I skipping hand in hand through flowery fields. Yep - it's costing me a small fortune, but that's what second mortgages are for, right?
So ya, new gym routine, here I come. And I've found the best way to figure out the machines is to pick one you want to use, then watch a few people use it. It's by far the easiest and best way. That way I at least know the basics of where my head goes and where my feet go. What I do is get on a treadmill closest to the weight machine area - so I don't look like a stalker freak just staring at people on the machines - and observe. Typically, I tend to always get next to "The Overacheiver" on the treadmill next to me. You know the type -a quick glance at her display panel will show that she's running 8 miles per hour and she's already on mile 6. You get on the machine next to her for 30 minutes and when you get off shaky legged and sweating profusely, she's still on her treadmill - on mile 12 - and has barely broken a sweat. Oh....why can't there just be a gym IN Starbucks??? Me & my Trenta Very Berry could figure it all out together :)
Thursday, July 11, 2013
Oh TOODLES.....Where's My Wine?
Parenting -although beautiful and lovely - can be very...well, monotonous. It's the exact same thing every day - day in and day out. Same routine... same arguments ("Mom, Ben pulled the legs off my Barbies!"), same requests ("Mama, I need goldfish...I'm thirsty, I want to fly in outer space, Can I have a princess dress? Can me have another strawberry?") same TV shows (Mickey Mouse Clubhouse - on a sidenote - where the hell is Toodles when I need a refill on my wine??) , same things for breakfast - every single day. It's kind of like that movie "Groundhog Day" with Bill Murray. By day 73, you want to mix things up a little...see if you can't change the course of the day by getting a little crazy and changing the order of the morning routine. Brushing teeth BEFORE letting the dog out or trying something different for breakfast?? Nah, all that accomplished was a mastiff whining at me while I brushed my teeth and 2 unhappy kids who wanted nothing to do with scrambled eggs - which the dog ultimately got in the end anyway.
And so the monotony continues, until one day something really out of the ordinary happens....I got bit by an earwig last Friday. Or maybe it's pinched...pinched by and earwig. In any event, I was sitting outside enjoying some peace and quiet after the kids went to bed...chatting with Brian, when this unpleasant little insect decided to pinch my arm. Thanks to google images, I've managed to wrassle up a picture of this unsavory creature....
Yes, ask and you shall receive. Want some excitement? Here's an earwig bite to really rock your universe. Apparently, you really have to be more specific when asking life to shake up your routine. Anyway, besides being really skeeved out, I managed to survive the Earwig episode of '13 with nothing more than little pincher marks on my arm. So rude! Who DOES that?!
Sometimes we just have to create our own fun. For example, Brian fell asleep in a lawn chair last weekend and I decided he bore a striking resemblance to Grumpy Cat - so here's a little side by side comparison.
Yes, Brian gave me permission to post this :) He's a good sport. Plus it's really funny...and the kids have been getting a kick out of calling him Grumpy Daddy.
The thing with parenting is that you're stuck in this little routine, and then all of a sudden, the whole thing changes and your stuck in a new and different routine. Just when you think you've mastered this one stage - things do change. It's sometimes easy to lose sight of the big picture when you're in the day to day grind, but looking back - things really have changed quite a bit. My kids (4 and 3) are now so much more independent...they have such active imaginations and play together very well. It used to be that they were amused to play with toys and books in our playroom...my job was to keep them safe and nurtured. Now they want to be out on adventures everyday. Each morning they ask where we're going that day. My biggest challenge is finding new and exciting adventures while balancing housework, grocery shopping, and of course the checkbook. It's hard to convince them that we're going on yet another adventure to the grocery store. The other day I was taking them to the library to check out some books and Lauren informed me that we've already been to this library, so let's try and new one. I also took them to their first movie the other day and they did great. I thought they'd be scared of how loud it was, but they loved it. Anyway, as I write this I realize that Lauren will be going to preschool in the fall and the routine will completely change again. Ben will miss her terribly, and I'll probably miss their little arguments over dismantled Barbie limbs. I've said it before...this parenting thing is such a catch 22. You want them to grow and learn and mature, then you long for the days they were babies. And on that note, I'm off to find Toodles..slacker!
And so the monotony continues, until one day something really out of the ordinary happens....I got bit by an earwig last Friday. Or maybe it's pinched...pinched by and earwig. In any event, I was sitting outside enjoying some peace and quiet after the kids went to bed...chatting with Brian, when this unpleasant little insect decided to pinch my arm. Thanks to google images, I've managed to wrassle up a picture of this unsavory creature....
Sometimes we just have to create our own fun. For example, Brian fell asleep in a lawn chair last weekend and I decided he bore a striking resemblance to Grumpy Cat - so here's a little side by side comparison.
Yes, Brian gave me permission to post this :) He's a good sport. Plus it's really funny...and the kids have been getting a kick out of calling him Grumpy Daddy.
The thing with parenting is that you're stuck in this little routine, and then all of a sudden, the whole thing changes and your stuck in a new and different routine. Just when you think you've mastered this one stage - things do change. It's sometimes easy to lose sight of the big picture when you're in the day to day grind, but looking back - things really have changed quite a bit. My kids (4 and 3) are now so much more independent...they have such active imaginations and play together very well. It used to be that they were amused to play with toys and books in our playroom...my job was to keep them safe and nurtured. Now they want to be out on adventures everyday. Each morning they ask where we're going that day. My biggest challenge is finding new and exciting adventures while balancing housework, grocery shopping, and of course the checkbook. It's hard to convince them that we're going on yet another adventure to the grocery store. The other day I was taking them to the library to check out some books and Lauren informed me that we've already been to this library, so let's try and new one. I also took them to their first movie the other day and they did great. I thought they'd be scared of how loud it was, but they loved it. Anyway, as I write this I realize that Lauren will be going to preschool in the fall and the routine will completely change again. Ben will miss her terribly, and I'll probably miss their little arguments over dismantled Barbie limbs. I've said it before...this parenting thing is such a catch 22. You want them to grow and learn and mature, then you long for the days they were babies. And on that note, I'm off to find Toodles..slacker!
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